Jason's Story

Darkness has been a constant presence in my heart throughout my 23 years on Earth. I’ve stayed hidden in the shadows for nearly all my life, avoiding the spotlight or public situations. I’ve always been terrified of speaking to a group of people, or even meeting someone new. Shame and loneliness have been my constant companions. I always feel like everyone I encounter is judging me and will have a negative view of me, so I try to stay as invisible as possible. It’s always been difficult for me to make new friends, as I’m too shy to approach someone I don’t know, and people seem to be hesitant to approach me as well. I’ve always felt like an outcast, never quite belonging anywhere I go.

Until my sophomore year of high school, I had never made friends with anyone who lived more than a block from my house. For my last 3 years of high school, I had a very small group of about 5 close friends, and I rarely ventured outside of that social comfort zone. I was named to leadership positions in the band throughout high school, as the percussion section leader all four years and a drum major for the marching band my senior year; yet I was still largely unknown by the majority of the students in the band program. I was granted countless awards and accolades for my intelligence throughout all four years of high school, with everyone who knew me treating me like a genius who had all the answers to every question that could possibly be asked. Over time, this gave me an inflated ego, making me feel a sense of entitlement, like I was superior to everyone else. Still, the only people who really knew who I was were a few of my teachers and my close circle of friends.

I was offered full scholarships to several dozen colleges, easily surpassing a million dollars in total scholarship money offered from the hundreds of schools that wanted me to attend their campuses. However, I rejected all those offers and focused on only two schools: MIT and Stanford. I was convinced that I would easily be accepted, at one point even believing that these two schools should be begging me to attend. I was rejected by both schools. My life took a significant downward turn after that, as I scrambled to find a school that would accept me late in my final semester of high school. I reluctantly settled on Iowa State University, one of the schools that originally offered me an all-expenses-paid scholarship, but it was too late to get the full scholarship, and I ended up paying over $20,000 per year instead of going there for free.

When I went off to college at Iowa State, the only friends I made were people who lived within three doors of me in my dorm hallway. I never talked to any of the other students in any of my classes, unless it was required by the instructor. I did get involved with several intramural sports during my time there, and those gave me a few of the very rare moments of happiness I experienced at ISU. Looking back now in hindsight, I should have realized that being a part of a team or community is what made me happiest. However, at the time, I didn’t care about any of that; I just wanted to win a bunch of competitions. Much of my time at ISU was spent in isolation in my dorm room, wishing that I could have more friends who genuinely cared about me. In August right before I started my sophomore year, I was deeply hurt by my girlfriend at the time, and I plunged into severe depression. I tried going back to ISU, but found I couldn’t concentrate on my studies or even get up and go to my classes. My friends began distancing themselves from me as well, as I sunk deeper into my depression. I withdrew from ISU later that semester and came back home to live with my parents in Lee’s Summit, once I realized that I couldn’t go on with my life on that path; that path had reached a dead end for me.

In the 4 years since I left Iowa State, I had almost no real friendships, and very few acquaintances. The few people I got to know in that time all ended up betraying me and breaking my heart. Thus I lived in self-imposed exile from society, shutting myself off almost completely from all social interactions. I lived in total (emotional) darkness, in a state of severe depression at times, questioning the purpose of my existence in this world. I was miserable, focused completely on myself, virtually ignoring the entire world around me. I knew something was wrong with my life; I knew I was on the wrong path, that I was making the wrong choices in my life…but I had no idea what the right choices were.

Finding the Light
Early in September this year, I decided to start exercising and working on my soccer skills, which had grown rusty from neglect. I started going over to Lowenstein Park about three nights each week to kick a ball around by myself. On Friday night, September 21, I pushed my workout harder than I had in years, pushing myself as far as I could go without collapsing, leaving only enough energy for me to drive home and collapse in my bed. The next morning, I woke up feeling an incredible burst of energy, and I had the inexplicable urge to go back out to the park that morning, even though I should’ve still been exhausted from my workout the night before. This happened to be the first day that the Grace Church Youth were hosting Party in the Park. I had been out there for about an hour when I saw a big group of cars pull up and a mob of yellow-clad teens swarm the park shelter. I watched them from a distance and noticed they had soccer balls and some cones set up, and I started feeling a bit depressed, wishing that I could be a part of a group like that, but fearing I would be treated like an outcast if I were to approach them. Thankfully, Brett ran over to me as I was resting on a bench with my ball, and he invited me to come play soccer with them. I was thrilled, and immediately jumped at the chance. Even though I had exhausted myself the night before, and it was unbelievably hot that afternoon, I felt like I had a limitless supply of energy out there. That afternoon was the most fun I’d had in as long as I could remember.

While I was resting in the shade, Matt came up to me and introduced himself, and we got to talking about Grace Church. I told him that I wasn’t sure if I believed in God and the Bible, but that I always try to be open to new ideas. He seemed very interested in what I had to say, and made me feel completely welcome there with that group of young people. He invited me to come by the church some Sunday morning, but left it completely up to me, not pressuring me at all, which probably played a large role in why I decided to attend the meeting the next morning. That night I looked up the Grace Church website to see what it was all about, and I appreciated the casual, friendly attitude that everyone seemed to have, so I decided to stop by and see what it was like Sunday morning.

I was extremely nervous as I walked in the front door Sunday morning, as it was the first time I had gone to a church on my own (the only other times I had been to church services were the 3 or 4 times my grandma in Omaha took me to her strict, uptight, formal church). The greeters at the front door were very friendly, and helped me out when I told them it was my first time there. As I walked into the main room, I was immediately greeted by Brett and Matt and the other guys I had met at the park. They made me feel like I belonged there, like these people were thrilled to have me with them, which is a great feeling I was completely unfamiliar with.

I sat in the back corner of the room to observe everything that morning, and I quickly noticed that it was nothing at all like what I was expecting (and that’s definitely a good thing). The first thing I noticed was the joy and happiness and energy of everyone during the worship. This is not at all what I had in mind when I thought of Christian churches. I thought they were all about the negatives and “thou shalt not…” and guilt and hell, but what I saw that morning was nothing but positive messages. I was even moved to tears at times when Tommy spoke, because I felt like he was describing my life exactly, almost like the words he spoke were meant for me personally. I felt an inner sense of light and love that I had never felt before, as if a candle had been lit at the core of my being.

After the service, Matt invited me to attend Alpha with him that week, and I happily agreed, as it is so rare in my life for someone to show an interest in spending time with me and hearing about my thoughts and beliefs. I had a great time at Alpha that Thursday night, and once again I felt completely welcome and wanted, thanks largely to Mike and Matt.

On Saturday I was back out at Party in the Park, and I felt much more comfortable and relaxed this time around, even though I was still too shy to talk to many of the kids there. I got the sense that this was where I was meant to be, that I was supposed to be working with and supporting the youth of Grace Church as much as possible.

On Sunday I attended the morning services again, still feeling nervous about being there, but not nearly as much as my first visit. I tried to blend in and make myself unnoticeable as much as I could so I wouldn’t do or say anything to embarrass myself. During the worship and while Dan spoke, I felt something stirring inside me, similar to what I had felt the week before, but much more intense and clear. It was like someone or something was showing me the truth about myself and my purpose in life, and it felt like there was a brilliant pure white flame illuminating everything from the center of my soul, engulfing me with love and banishing the darkness that has been my constant companion for 23 years. At the end of the services, Brandon came up to me and I was telling him about the feeling I got, and as I was talking to him, the message I felt I had received became clear: my purpose in life is to give my life to improve the lives of others. In that moment, it became clear to me that all the little things in my life that I had attributed to coincidence were actually part of a greater plan, a message from God to give me the evidence I needed to believe in Him. I suddenly realized why I was so miserable during those years that I only cared about myself: I am not whole unless I am giving my time/energy/money/etc. to benefit the lives of others. I get no personal fulfillment or true happiness from doing anything for myself; I only get it from helping others, especially the young members of society.

Every day since then, that feeling has grown stronger, bringing me closer and closer to putting my faith in God. The skeptical, scientific side of my mind is still fighting against it, but I am gradually becoming surer of the existence of God. Every time I interact with anyone from the church, I feel a sense of love and happiness and belonging that no scientific skepticism can override. For the first time in many years, I have real hope for my future, and for the first time ever, I truly believe I have found the purpose of my life.
Jason Gould, 10/3/2007